2020—a new year with new resolutions and goals. January can often be a time when we assess our lives and think of areas of growth for the coming year. The concept of New Year's resolutions has been around for a very long time.
"The ancient Babylonians are said to have been the first people to make New Year's resolutions, some 4,000 years ago," writes Sarah Pruitt, in "The History of New Year's Resolutions." She goes on to note that, "According to recent research, while as many as 45 percent of Americans say they usually make New Year's resolutions, only 8 percent are successful in achieving their goals."
Much has been written about the possible reasons why so many of us fail to stick with our resolutions. Shainna Ali, in "Why New Year's Resolutions Fail," provides these four key reasons:
1. Your goals aren't clear.
2. You feel overwhelmed.
3. You feel discouraged.
4. You're not ready to change.
Those four reasons seem like probable sabotaging culprits. I would add a fifth, though, as well.
5. You are in a have to/should mindset.
All-day long we say to ourselves: I should eat healthier. I have to start going to the gym more. I should join that meditation class. I have to stop drinking so much caffeine. I should catch-up with that friend. I have to eat a healthy snack. I should remember to take my vitamins. I have to follow my doctor's advice. I should start yoga. I have to breathe deep. I should get more sleep. I have to… I should… Just fill in the blank with whatever is playing on your current "I have to/should" soundtrack.
There are hundreds of them per day. And not just about our health. About our families, relationships, friendships, finances, jobs, daily schedules, errands, household chores, and even, believe it or not, our downtime and relaxation. There is no shortage of advice about all the things that we have to/should do to be healthy, happy, and successful in life. So let us get this out of the way. This article is not meant as more “have to/should” advice.
However, how might the "Why New Year's Resolutions Fail" list be switched to a "New Year's Resolutions That Succeed," list?
1. Have clear goals.
2. Start with small steps.
3. Practice self-compassion & self-care.
4. Be realistic.
And
5. Switch "have to/should" to "get to" mentally.
So often, mental "have to" statements are rooted in internal feelings of negativity, obligation, and if healthy balance and boundaries aren't in place, even resentment. Likewise, mental "should" statements may be rooted in feelings of overwhelm, procrastination, and self-criticism. Try it out: Think a specific "have to/should" thought about changing something in your life. Then explore your underlying emotional response.
If most of our “have to/should” thoughts (which we have hundreds of per day), are producing negative emotions or toxic stress, they can become problematic and self-defeating over time. However, number five can bring about an entire shift in perspective and assist us in ongoing success toward reaching our goals.
Here is how: "Get to" is typically associated with inner feelings of anticipation, excitement, and gratitude. When we intentionally mentally switch "have to/should" self-statements to "get to" statements throughout our day, we create mental microcosm moments that can ground us in gratitude.
This switch might feel inauthentic or even somewhat disingenuous at first. "I should go to the gym." Procrastination. Overwhelm. Self-judgement. (If the gym happens to be your happy place, substitute with an example that resonates.)
Or, "I get to go to the gym." Okay, so the anticipation and excitement may or may not be there yet. But what about that microcosm moment of gratitude? What does thinking "get to" open up within your mind?
Follow-up thoughts surrounding "get to" might be: "I am grateful to be able to move." "I am grateful to have the choice to take care of my body." "I am grateful to be alive." "Health is precious. I am grateful I can take care of mine."
Funnily enough, feelings of anticipation and excitement can become self-produced when approaching previously dreaded “have to/should” tasks grounded in gratitude.
This does not mean that we should suppress negative feelings or emotions. Being intentional about allowing ourselves the opportunity to feel, examine, process, and appropriately express all emotions, even negative ones, is an essential component to overall mental and physical wellbeing.
It is, however, a secondary reframing process that can facilitate an exploration of our daily mental messages in a way that can cause different thought patterns and feelings to emerge. This reframing process can, in turn, lead to new habits, successful accomplishment of goals, and even greater joy.
Dr. Brené Brown notes, "The relationship between joy and gratitude was one of the important things I found in my research….I went into the research thinking that the relationship between joy and gratitude was: if you are joyful, you should be grateful. But it wasn't that way at all. Instead, practicing gratitude invites joy into our lives."
So here is an experiment: Try approaching resolutions and goals in a new way. Rather than using sheer determination, try this switch up: See if turning "have to/should" thoughts into "get to" moments can allow gratitude to provide a fresh perspective toward taking action on even the most dreaded or mundane parts of your New Year’s resolution.
Whatever specific goals we may have—may 2020 be a year rich with cultivated joy, grounded in gratitude—what could be more successful than that?
Happy New Year!
Citations:
Pruitt, Sarah. “The History of New Year’s Resolutions.” History.com. 30 Dec. 2015. Updated: 31 Aug. 2018. https://www.history.com/news/the-history-of-new-years-resolutions.
Ali, Shainna. “Why New Year's Resolutions Fail: Four common ways you may be standing in the way of your personal growth.” Psychology Today. 5 Dec. 2018. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/modern-mentality/201812/why-new-years-resolutions-fail.
Brown, Brené. “Brené Brown on Joy and Gratitude.” Global Leadership Network. 21 Nov. 2018. https://globalleadership.org/articles/leading-yourself/brene-brown-on-joy-and-gratitude.
Disclaimer: These statements are not intended to diagnose, treat, or cure any condition. Always check with your doctor before making lifestyle changes, especially if you have a medical condition.