As I was heading to the airport in New York City this August, I felt a profound sense of sadness. Looking out at the city, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was leaving behind something important. In reality, it was someone important. I was coming home to Nebraska, and my son was staying in New York to start his college career at Columbia University.
Sending a young person off to college – whether they’re going 10 minutes from home or 1000 miles – is truly bittersweet. On the one hand, it’s what the family has likely been working towards for a long time. On the other, your family unit and the relationship you have with your child are forever changed.
I’ve only been a parent of a college student for a few months, but I work as a college academic advisor, so I have been a part of the transition from high school to college for countless families over the last 17 years. I’ve seen things go smoothly for many families, and I’ve seen others struggle. I will share a few ideas that may be helpful to families currently parenting college students or preparing to do so.
Have your child take some challenging courses in high school. I hear over and over from students who underperform in their first semester of college “I never had to work hard in high school. I could show up without studying and do fine, so I assumed it would be the same here.” Trust me, even what your child considers to be an “easy” course is going to require work. Make sure he or she knows how to write papers and prepare for exams before leaving home.
If you are calling your child’s college and have to start the conversation with, “I know I shouldn’t be calling but…” you probably shouldn’t be calling. Let your student handle his or her own business; that’s how he or she will learn. If you are worried for the student’s physical or emotional health, or if you have a financial question and you are paying the bills, then by all means call. But if you are simply running interference or trying to make things go more smoothly, it generally is best to let students learn to negotiate their own situations.
Make sure your children know that you believe they are competent to make their own decisions. I am amazed by how many students say they must check with their parents before deciding which classes to take, which major or minor they pursue, etc. If you micromanage every aspect of your student’s life before college, it is unreasonable to expect that student to have decision-making skills once on his or her own.
Allow for mistakes. The student may charge more money than you’re comfortable with, miss a deadline, or fail a class, but experiencing a mistake then learning how to re-group and how to make things right, is an essential skill. Letting go while your child works through this critical type of learning is not easy, but it is necessary.
The beginning of my son’s college career has not been without bumps. Typically a pretty decisive kid, he struggled a bit choosing which classes to take. Laundry and money management have been more of a challenge than he anticipated as well.
It’s harder than I imagined simply asking questions and helping him think through options as opposed to offering solutions, but I’m trying.
I visited him in October for Family Weekend and it was the first time I had seen him in nearly two months. He looked a bit scruffy, his room was less than tidy, and I’m quite certain he hadn’t changed his sheets all semester, but all in all, he’s doing beautifully.
One night after dinner, he hopped on a subway to Brooklyn to meet friends at a concert. As his mom, I’d prefer to think he always travels safely, during daytime hours and with groups of people.
Although I felt fear watching him head down a dark street to the subway, I also couldn’t help but feel a bit proud that he had the confidence to navigate his way through the city and through his college experience.