Parents look forward to having their college student home for the long December break, but the reality of holiday reunions frequently fails to match expectations. It is not easy to slip back into traditional family patterns when students have been gone for a few months. Your students are probably anxious to come home and settle in, but they may also be worried about what things will be like when they get home. You are excited about having them home, but you may also be nervous about what to anticipate. Parents who expect that everything at home will return to the way things were before your student left for college may be caught off guard and will have difficulty. Here are a few things to consider before your student comes home for the first visit, so that things can be less stressful for the entire family.
• Holidays are a stressful time. Remember that everyone may be feeling the normal stress of the holidays in addition to the transition of readjusting. Try to encourage everyone to have patience with each other.
• Remember that not only has your student changed over the past few months, but the family dynamic may have changed as well. You have become accustomed to differences at home – perhaps having fewer disruptions or responsibilities, perhaps having a quieter house or not having to share the car. Siblings have readjusted their place in the family. A younger sibling may now have moved to “oldest child” status. Your student’s room may even have been appropriated by a younger sibling.
• Your student has been independent at school. He or she has not had to report to anyone. They have been free to sleep when they wanted, eat when and what they wanted, come and go as they wanted, and do what they wanted. Reentering the family routines may feel restrictive and will require compromise on everyone’s part.
• Your student will probably come home exhausted from the last few weeks of classes and final exams. They may need to spend more time than usual catching up on sleep – and eating comfort food. Home is their sanctuary right now and they may need significant down time before being ready to socialize.
• Remember that the final few weeks of the semester are busy with school papers, projects and exams. Your student may not yet have focused on the holidays or family. They may come home needing to adjust, shop, prepare. They may need to be (gently) reminded of family visits or social obligations. They are stepping from one world into the other.
• Your students will want to catch up with their home-town friends. They’re anxious to tell them about their new life, hear about their friends’, and spend time reconnecting.
• Your student may or may not feel like talking about life at school. They may feel that they want to keep that portion of their life private. That doesn’t necessarily mean that they are hiding anything, they just may not feel that their college routine is noteworthy. Right now they may just want to be home, taking a break, and not thinking about school.
• Expect some amount of disruption in your household. Student hours do not always coincide with family hours. Your student may be used to coming and going, sleeping and eating at very different times. You will need to negotiate a compromise and set clear limits.
• Recognize that in many respects this may be a difficult time for your college student. They may feel that they no longer fit in anywhere. They has not yet fully adjusted to school – they don’t yet feel completely “grown up”, yet they no longer feel as though they can step back into their accustomed place in the family – nor do they want to. They long in some ways for the nostalgia of their old family life, yet they want to be an adult with complete independence. Your student is continually negotiating who she or he is – and who they want to become - and for the time being may not be comfortable anywhere. They are not necessarily pulling away from the family; rather they are trying to find their new place in the family structure.
10 tips for keeping the holidays happy
Holidays are high-stress periods, and conflicts are normal, especially for parents of a college freshman returning home after experiencing a new independent life at college. Here are 10 tips for the holiday time at home:
1. Talk with your student about your expectations for the visit in advance so there are no surprises.
2. Discuss the house rules and how they might differ from what the student has experienced the past four months.
3. Give students time to catch up with high school friends, and establish family time. Students also may need time to be alone, take walks or go to another room and read. Give yourself and your student space.
4. Understand that disagreements between students and parents can be discussed and not just swept under the rug.
5. Accept your differences. The relationships you have with your family are far more important than winning an argument.
6. Keep a sense of humor while your student is at home. Try to laugh off the small conflicts.
7. Cultivate a mutual respect across generational lines for different values and needs.
8. Encourage your student to be a considerate guest and not tie up the telephone or computer lines or hog the television.
9. Have realistic expectations about the visit. Look forward to it, but do not expect a magical visit simply because your student has been away at college.
10. Having a good visit home involves planning and a willingness to adapt behaviors to the situation. While your student has been changing, you and other family members have, too. Share what has changed and enjoy what is new.
In addition to these 10 tips, it is highly recommended that parents ask questions and offer encouragement during the holidays. This is one positive form of interaction that will pay dividends throughout your son’s or daughter’s college years.
Talk with your student about what went well in the fall semester, what they found challenging and what adjustments they plan to make for the spring semester. It is vital that college students learn to navigate the academic system at UNL on their own, but parents can maintain an active role by asking questions, keeping the communication lines open and talking with them about their current and future classes.
Parents also should encourage their students to talk with their academic advisors, instructors or faculty members and to take advantage of the many student assistance offices at UNL. In the end, if your student appears to be overwhelmed by the transition to college, or just needs a little additional support or perspective, encourage them to make an appointment to talk with one of the counselors at Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS, 403-472-7450) when they return in January.
The family dynamic will be new and “interesting” when your student returns home. It is an exciting, although sometimes disconcerting, time. Being prepared for some disruption and possible uneasiness on everyone’s part will help. Happy Holidays!
(Article compiled by Dr. Robert N. Portnoy, University Health Center.)