You’ve watched them pack up their room, helped them load the car, and dropped them off at their new digs at UNL. Their room at home is empty, the house is quieter, and you may be wondering, so what’s next?
Whether this is the first of several to go off to college — or you’re finally facing the “empty nest” — probably this is a transition time for you as a parent. In the following article, I will be offering you some tips for navigating the sudden change in your life and in your relationship with your student.
First and foremost, it is important to understand that the college years can be exciting and stressful for both you and your child. They are exciting because your child will be learning to live independently and this allows both of you to explore other parts of your lives. They are stressful because this means that your relationship will change. Some find this process enjoyable; others do not. In order for this transition to be as productive as possible, you will need to be patient, understanding, supportive, and clear and reasonable about your expectations. You also need to take care of yourselves. Below, you will find some helpful coping strategies for parents as you attempt to take care of yourselves through this transitional period.
---Allow yourself to have emotions---
There is little benefit in pretending that you don't feel sad, guilty, relieved, apprehensive, worried, etc. about the transition to UNL. A healthier approach is to discuss your feelings with your family, friends, clergy, or whoever is a source of support for you. Talking with other parents of college-bound students can be particularly helpful.
---Make "overall wellness" a goal for yourself---
During stressful times, it helps to get enough sleep, eat healthy meals regularly, and get adequate exercise. Spending time doing the things you like is another step toward wellness. If you are feeling good, you are more likely to have the energy to help your son or daughter to be a good role model.
---Find a new creative outlet for yourself---
Many parents find that taking on a new challenge is an excellent way to manage and channel their energy and feelings. Have you ever wanted to travel? Volunteer in your community? Assume a new project or responsibility at work? Write a book? Learn to fly-fish? Make a quilt? Get your own bicycle and ride all over town? Make a list of all the things you intended to do while your child was growing up, but never had the time to do. Now is your chance!
---Be patient with the transition---
It is important to recognize that it will take some time to develop the right balance between your son or daughter's developing need for independence and their simultaneous need for support and guidance. Every student is different in this regard and has different needs, and these needs will almost certainly change over time. In addition, students don't always know how much independence they can handle or how much support they will actually need. So, be patient, and understand that it will likely take some time for everyone to figure this out.
Here are some additional tips you might find helpful in interacting with your son or daughter during this transitional process.
---Don't ask them if they are homesick---
While it is true that many students miss being at home, most are so busy in the first weeks of school that they do just fine, as long as nothing reminds them about being away from home. Even if they never bring it up, you can rest assured that they do miss you. If your student is really homesick, encourage them to stick it out for one semester.
---Write, even if they don't write back---
Your student will be exploring and enjoying their independence and this is necessary for their development. Even so, they want to keep family ties and the security that brings. It's nice for them to have things in the mailbox and depressing when it is empty. Still, they may not respond for some time. Don't interpret their silence as rejection.
---Ask questions (but not too many)---
First-year students tend to resent interference with their new-found lifestyle, but most want to know that someone is still interested in them. Parental curiosity can be experienced as supportive or alienating depending on the attitudes of the person involved. Honest inquiries that further the parent bond are welcomed. "Pulling rank", "I have a right to know" questions, and hidden agendas should be avoided.
---Expect change (but not too much)---
It is natural and inevitable that your student will change over the course of their time here. For some, this change is gradual. For others it is quick and dramatic. This can be quite stressful for all involved. It helps to remember that young adults should be forming their own identities, and that it is counterproductive to try and stop them from doing so. While you may never understand the changes in their social, vocational, and personal choices that may occur in college, it is within your power to accept them. Maturation can be a slow and painful learning process. Please be patient.
---Don't worry excessively about moody behavior---
You might find parenting during the college years to be pretty thankless. Your student may sometimes feel overwhelmed with all that is happening, and they might turn to you in distress. But, you may rarely hear from them when things are going well. You are serving as a "touchstone" for your student, someone they can turn to when they feel the need. Regardless of what they might say, this is very valuable to them. If your student's "bad mood" seems persistent and you have concerns about it, call the staff at Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS; 402-472-7450) to discuss it further.
---Visit (but not too often)---
Whether they admit it or not, students usually appreciate a visit from their parents. This gives them a chance to connect to both of their "worlds" at once. "Surprise" visits are usually not appreciated because they can feel disrespectful. It is better to wait for planned visits, such as the Parents Weekend opportunity.
---Avoid the "These are the best years of your life" speech---
The college years are full of discovery, inspiration, good times and friends. But they are also marked by indecision, insecurity, disappointment, and mistakes. In all probability your student will learn that college is much more challenging, in every way, than they imagined. Parents who think that college students "have it made" and that they should always perform well and be worry-free are mistaken. Those that accept the highs and lows are providing the kind of support students need most.
---Communicate your expectations and stay informed---
It is entirely appropriate for you to expect reasonable outcomes for your investment. Attendance, decent grades, safe and healthy choices, and signs of increasing responsibility should be evident to you. Negotiate and discuss these with your student, then look for that evidence. If you don't find it, increase your level of supervision.
---Trust them---
Finding oneself is a difficult enough process without feeling like the people whose opinions you respect most are second-guessing your own second-guessing. One mother wrote her son during his senior year: "I love you and want for you all the things that make you happiest; and I guess you, not I, are the one who knows best what those things are."
If you're smart you'll believe it, mean it, and say it now.
Article submitted by Dr. Bob Portnoy, Director, Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS)
University Health Center, UNL
More details at: http://go.unl.edu/znp2